When Salem Tries To Take Over The World...
by Alien925
Summary: Zelda finds herself trapped in a fairytale.


Title: When Salem tries to take over the world....  
Catorgory: Humor  
Author: Alien925  
Disclamer: Sabrina belongs to her creators and I'm just borrowing a few people.  
Summary: This is what happens 99% of the time when Salem tries to take over the world.. its ends up a fairytale!  
Classification: PG[ ish]  
My Comment: This is a crossover fic [ even though all the characters are from STTW] intended to be funny =) This fic does contain Zelda/Mr Kraft relationship   
[ it gets a bit mushy towards the end with the happily ever after bit] and I'm sorry I haven't included Hilda or Sabrina much. =) Btw, the fairytale here is  
Rumplestilskin folks - just checking! lol  
  
ONCE UPON A TIME......  
  
.... there was a man called, Salem Saberhagen. Due to his own self greed he decided to take over the world and to cut a long story short he got turned   
into a cat by the witches council.  
Many years later, still a cat and living with three witches named Zelda, Hilda and Sabrina, he decided it was time to get his life back on track. He got   
out his pocket sized map of the world and a pen to ring the states he thought it would be sensible to take over first.  
After twenty five minutes of careful consideration he had gotten his rise to power all figured out. He organised a team of willing revolutionists who would  
help him conquer the world.  
Pointing to the pocket size map open on the dining room table he pointed the revolutionists towards their first target - Westbridge High School.  
  
XxX  
  
Armed with a large amount of pepper-spray the revolutionists marched down the corridors of Westbridge High School claiming it as their own and pepper-spraying   
anyone who dared object to their actions.  
Their jubilant takeover was abruptly holted when a threatening figure walked down the corridor carrying a book filled with detention slips. His shoes squeaked  
against the polished floor and the squint of his eyes through his glasses made him seem extra menacing. Salem's revolutionists scampered away from Westbridge High as   
fast as their fake army boots could carry them.   
  
A single man who had stopped for a split second to switch his pepper-spray to his other pocket felt a hand on his shoulder. His whole body shook with fear as he turned   
around and faced none other than the evil vice principal Willard Kraft.  
" I warn you mister. If you don't have a hall pass you're in a serious amount of trouble." Willard Kraft warned.  
The revolutionist looked around and wondered if the vice principal had actually noticed that they were taking over the school.  
" It wasn't me sir." he said, shaking in his boots, " It was Salem Saberhagen."  
" Salem Saberhagen...." Willard Kraft ran the name through his memory, searhing for any familiararity. On finding none, he said,   
" Very well then, this week's been a little uninteresting so far. Let me get Mr. Saberhagen and we'll go from their shall we?"  
He escorted the revolutionist to his office, made sure the door was locked and sent various members of the chess club to retreave Salem Saberhagen.  
  
XxX  
  
"So then, Mr Saberhagen...." Willard Kraft loomed down on the cat sat in front of him. " I hear you've been trying to take over my school?"  
The cat in front of him did nothing except make a defeated wimpering sound.  
" I'll do anything..." the cat said. " ..anything.. just please. don't. give. me. detention.." the cat sobbed noisily.  
"Anything...." Willard Kraft sat down at his deak and drummed his fingers together thoughtfully. He liked that offer. " Ok then, I've thought of something. First of all, you  
have to stop blubbering, because it is *really* getting on my nerves. Second of all, I want you to grade every practise SAT paper in this school, properly!"  
" Noooo..." the cat sobbed, " I cannot do that, I am just a cat. However I know someone who will grade the papers and help hand out detention slips to unsuspecting students.   
I will give her to you if you let me go free - and never mention to another living soul of my plans to take over the globe...I mean state."  
" Deal." the vice principal stuck out his hand but then realised it couldn't be shook as he was bargaining with a cat.  
  
XxX  
  
Salem got home and spotted her sitting on the couch reading a book on Quantum Physics.  
" Hey Zelda, whatcha doing?"  
" Nothing much Salem, just refreshing my knowledge a little." she answered.  
" I know where there is a really good book on....." Salem tried to think of a title that would appeal to the scientist in Zelda. "...sub atomic particles."  
" Really where?" Zelda was completely taken in and Salem was starting to feel a bit bad about betraying the woman who had kept his fur in such good condition all these years.  
" Westbridge School Library."  
Zelda was out of the door like a flash. Five minutes later Salem forgot he had sacrificed one of his good friends to an evil vice principal and went into the kitchen to see if Hilda   
could be bribed into buying him some chocolate fudge ice cream.  
  
XxX  
  
Zelda wrapped her coat around her as she entered the darkened halls of Westbridge High School. There was a sudden climate change so she figured that whoever was in control of the heating must be pretty stingy.  
Hearing squeaky footsteps comming round the corner she tried to hide, knowing she shouldn't really be in these halls without a hall pass. The footsteps rounded the corner and Zelda saw Sabrina's vice principal Mr Kraft.  
" Ahh, finally, you're here." he said to Zelda. " I was beginning to think that Mr Saberhagen would not live up to his end of the bargain.  
" Excuse me, I think you have the wrong person, you see I was.." Zelda's speech was interrupted by Mr Kraft putting a hand over her mouth and leading her towards a classroom.  
Pushing her down into a chair behind a grafittied desk, he put a red marker down in front of her and pointed to a pile of SAT papers.  
" Mr Saberhagen said you were an expert at marking SAT papers, so, guess what you're here to do?"his voice dripped with sarcasm and Zelda was starting to feel a little uncomfortable.   
" You can't make me do this! I haven't done anything!"  
" Yes, but Mr Saberhagen has tried to take over the world, and I'm told its for the second time too! He promised me I could have you to mark the papers in return for his freedom. Mark these papers by morning, honey," he said, " or else you will not see the light of day again."   
Patting her on the head and marching out of the room, Willard Kraft locked the door behing him.  
Zelda snorted at his feeble attempt to keep her locked in this classroom. She had magic and knew how to use it. Pointing a finger at herself she zapped. Nothing happened. She tried again and found that she was still trapped in the classroom.  
Mr Kraft's face appeared at the window in the door.  
" By the way" he said, " I though I'd let you know that I took away your magic."  
Zelda stamped her foot on the floor and wondered how he managed to do that and how long It'd be before Sabrina and Hilda figured she was missing. The thought of how long a cat could breathe when held underwater also crossed her mind.  
Sighing, she picked up a pen and started grading.  
  
XxX  
  
After roughly half an hour, Zelda hurt, she had blisters on her fingers and papercuts decorated her hands.   
She couldn't take this anymore. She angrily swept the papers off the desk and started to cry.  
" Help me, somebody please!" she yelled moving over to the door and banging against it. No-one answered her calls as the school was in pitch darkness an d Willard Kraft, the person who spent the longest time patrolling the corridors,   
had probably gone home.  
" Rats." she said and slumped down in the chair again.  
As if my magic, [ actually it was by magic, but don't tell Zelda I told you] a troll appeared in front of her. He was dressing in fairytale garb consisting of green tights, shirt and a strange little peter pan hat.  
"Roland!" Zelda was surpised to say the least. Well, at least she could get out of here now. " Great! You've come to take me home!"  
Roland made a sound like a quiz show buzzer. " Wrong. Guess again."   
When Zelda just stared at him he said " I've been sent here to answer you. I am now an official employee of the fairytale distress unit." He held up a badge to prove his position. " So Zelda," he continued, " what can I do for you?"  
" Get me out of here?"  
" Sorry. No can do. There are specific rules. A maiden in distress can only leave an area where she is imprisoned if she is rescued by a handsome prince or kisses a frog.   
Since there doesn't seem to be any of either one of them here," he looked   
around the classroom, "my guess is you're stuck her for a little while."  
Zelda wanted to strangle the troll in front of her.   
"What? I'm not in a fairytale! Just get me out of here would you?"  
" Sorry. I can't do that, but I can finish grading those papers for you."  
" Fine." Zelda, got out of the chair and watched as Roland took her place. Before he put pen to paper he said.  
" You have to give me something in return for grading these papers."  
" I don't have anything." Zelda said. " Please, just grade them would you, I have blisters on my hands and papercuts everywhere, I can't go on grading."  
" You've been at it for *half an hour*" Roland argued with her.  
" It seemed longer." Zelda pouted. " Besides, I thought you'd come to help me, isn't anything free anymore?"  
" I have to earn my money somehow," Roand answered. "now cough up the cash...unless, you'd prefer to pay me in kisses?"  
Zelda immediately took off her ring and gave it to Roland swearing the moment he changed careers she'd get it back.  
Roland pocketed her ring and started to grade the papers, Shaking his head at every incorrect answer.  
Zelda watched Roland as he worked on into the night. His red pen grading quicker than Salem could eat a two litre carton of ice cream.  
Falling asleep whilst he was still busy, Zelda slept peacefully until morning.  
  
XxX  
  
She was awakened by the door being flung open and Willard Kraft marching in.  
" If you haven't done those paper's you're in big trouble." he warned Zelda.  
He walked towards the desk and examined the papers, checking through random sections to see if they'd been marked. What he found was satisfactory.   
"Well done." he sounded genuinely pleased with Zelda's effort. She raised her eyebrows in surprise.  
I have a little surprise for you. He grinned went out of the room. He returned with a two boxes of papers.  
"Surprise!" he said and pointed to the boxes. " Grade them... please?"  
Realising she was not going to get away easliy Zelda sat down at the desk and Willard placed a paper in front of her. Locking the door and sitting at the opposide desk he watched as she corrected errors left right and center.  
" Wow, you have really good...handwriting and thats a really nice sweater. It brings out the blue in your eyes." He said, his eyes filling with adoration. Zelda smiled at him and continued grading the paper.   
He left the room shorty after saying he was going home. Once he had left, Zelda flung down the pen and wiped the ink off her fingers.  
" I really hate it here." she said to no-one in particular. Picking up the chalk she drew a drawing on the chalkboard showing an evil monster. Drawing and arrow comming from its head she labelled it 'Willard Kraft.'  
" Please help me someone." she said, " I can't take this anymore and the smell of exam papers is making me physcially sick. Please?" Crying she sat on the floor as she was too tierd to walk to the nearest chair.  
  
Again in a shimmer of sparks Roaland appeared before her.   
"Lemme guess, you can't rescue me, but you can grade the papers right?" she asked.  
" Yup. Roland nodded and help out his hand, obviously expecting some kind of payment.  
Zelda reluctantly took off her nuclear necklace given to her by her mother and gave it to Roland. He looked at it and wrinked his nose.   
"I don't really want this. D'you have anything else?"  
Zelda shook her head.   
"Ahh, well, I guesss you'll be paying me in kisses then. Don't worry, I'm not going to object to that!"  
Zelda paniced and started racking her brains for something to pacify the ugly troll. Glancing at her feet she saw that she was wearing her expensive shoes. Offering them to Roland he excepted   
them and started marking the papers leaving Zelda to wonder what he would want with a pair of high heeled pumps.  
By morning the exam papers were marked and Roand was gone. Zelda was a little offended that no-one had come to rescue her yet.   
  
XxX  
  
  
Mr Kraft walked into he classroom and checked the papers. Putting them to one side he noticed that Zelda looked a little tierd. Bringing her a pilliow and blanket he told her she   
could sleep on the desks when she had graded the thrid lot of papers.  
He pushed a shopping cart filled to the brim with papers into the classroom. In the middle of handing Zelda a new pen he stopped.  
His eyes widened and he stepped back a few paces.   
" Wow," he said, "I never realised how truely beautiful you really are. Even after two days of without sleep, no showers and after grading roughly two hundred   
fifty thousand and two test papers, you still look like a princess."  
Zelda was flattered to say the least by this.  
"Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself."  
Moving towards Zelda he stroked her hair gently.  
"I'm sorry I've put you through all of this Zelda. But, look on the bright side, you only have one more batch of papers to mark and then you can be on your way."   
he walked towards the door and was about to go out when suddenly he turned round.  
" I tell you what, how about, you mark those papers for me and I'll have you as my wife."  
Zelda too shocked to speak didn't say anything, so Willard just winked at her and went out of the room, locking the door behing him.  
Unloading the shopping cart Zelda noticed a familiar figure standing behind her. She turned around,  
"Roland? What are you doing her, I didn't even start to cry yet."  
" Yeah, I know," the troll replied, " but I figured I come early today and save myself some time. I've gotta date later." he tapped his watch and picked up the red pen.  
" Roland? Where are Hilda and Sabrina, I thought they would have come to resccue me by now."  
" I know, so did I, but it turns out they haven't realised you're missing yet because Salem told them you went to a science convention in Europe."  
Zelda made a mental note to hurt Salem even more than she originally planned to if she ever got out of the classroom. She sighed. " Roland, I really don't have anything to give you this time.   
So maybe I should just try and grade the papers this time."  
Roland looked at the stack of papers.  
" Hmm, there sure is a lot of papers here" he said. " It would take you *days* to mark all of them. Doesn't the vice principle give you a time limit on these papers or something?"  
" Yes, you're right, " she replied. " I only have 'till morning. You should do them, but what do you want in return.. ?"  
Roland thought hard for a minute and drummed his fingers on the desk.  
" I know!" he said, " You have to give me your firstborn child and then I will grade this stack of papaers for you."  
Zelda, being very desperate to get out of the classroom, agreed and Roland began his job.  
Whilst watching him work, Zelda wondered why anyone in their right mind would want to grade SAT papers for a living, which brought her on to another unanswered question, where was   
Mr Kraft getting all these papers from?   
When Zelda awoke the next morning from her sleeping position across two desks, Roland was gone and Willard Kraft was staring down at her, watching her as she slept.   
  
As she sat up, Willard bent down on one knee.  
" Zelda Spellman, you have marked all these papaers for me so that the school govenors might be pleased enought to promote me to principle. Will you marry me?"  
Zelda looked down into his eyes and felt that she might as well make her sister jelous by getting married before her.  
" Yes Willard, I'll marry you." she said.  
  
XxX  
  
TWO YEARS LATER...  
  
....Zelda gave birth to her first child, fortunately her son had more of her features than Willard's so everyone was happy. Sabrina and Hilda, although disappointed that Zelda had actually gone through  
with marrying Willard, were happy for her and all three witches had a great time torturing Salem.  
One evening when Willard in the kitchen of his new house, which he had purchased with the increse in his salary after he had become principal, and was trying to get his child to  
eat mushed carrots without spitting them all over him and the table when in a shower of sparks Roland appeared.  
Willard, now familiar with the fact that his wife was a witch [ don't ask me how that happened], called for Zelda.  
Zelda, running into the kitchen feared Willard had electricuted himself on the toaster again. When she saw Roland she moved towards her son.  
" You can't have him." she said. " I figured you would have gotten a different job by now, thats the only reason I agreed with you."  
" Well, I am still a member of the fairytale distress unit and I have come for my payment. Did I also mention that I've been promoted?" Roland said.  
" You cannot have my child." Zelda said meanincingly. Roland backed off. Out of Sabrina's aunts, Zelda had always scared him the most.   
Zelda pointed her finger and tried to zap Roland away. It didn't work. She wondered what was wrong as she had gotten her magic back after the papers had been graded two years ago.  
" Your magic will not work against me now." Roalnd explained, " because you are in debt to me. However," he said, pulling a manual out from his pocket and flipping through the pages,  
"there is one thing you can do which will stop me from taking your child."  
" Whats that?" Willard asked, peering out from behind the kitchen counter.  
" Umm. it says here.." Roland turned to a page in the book and read from it, " that the child can be kept if the mother of that child can guess my name.   
It also says that you have three days to think about it and three guesses."  
Zelda looked at Roland carefully.   
" Ok then, I'll take my first guess now." she said. " I think that your name is... Roland!"  
Roland started at her in shock.  
" Your guess is correct! Wow, you're good Zelda. I guess I don't have to take your baby after all."  
Zelda rolled her eyes in amazement and showed Roland to the linin closet where he dissapeared in a flash of blue light.  
  
  
THE END  
  
Well like all other fairytales that story ended sacrin sweet didn't it? D'you want to know what happened to everyone else?  
Well, I think its safe to say that Salem no longer had any plans of take over the world, maybe just the state, but definitely not the world. You already know what happened to Zelda   
and Mr Kraft and even though Sabrina and Hilda were not mentioned much throughout the story, they almost lived happily ever after apart from one tiny problem..   
but that of course, is another story.  
  
Alien_925@hotmail.com  
  



End file.
